The scariest thing I’ve ever done, and you’re probably thinking the same thing

Over the last few years I’ve come to know myself so much better. I’ve come to dive deeper into my psyche than I ever have before. I’ve started to see the magic that is life. It’s been such a beautiful journey. But it’s also been the scariest thing I’ve ever done. Why? Because I was conditioned to not trust magic. I was conditioned to only “believe what you see”. Can I see my mom who was killed by drunk drivers when I was 18 years old? No, but I know she’s there. How? Every time I’m alone and I smell cigarette smoke I know she’s stopping by to say hi. Well, either her or my grandfather, they both smoked like chimneys. Can I see my husband who died unexpectedly after I was diagnosed with breast cancer? No, but I know he’s there. Every time I hear “Running” from No Doubt, our wedding song, I know he’s telling me he still loves me from the other side. I believe with all my heart that they are both traveling between worlds to support me while I’m still here. If I were to see either one of them I’d probably flip my lid, but that’s because I’ve been conditioned to believe only crazy people see spirits. That belief has been challenged by many of my psychic and clairvoyant friends. Part of me is jealous that they can see such things and part of me would be scared shitless to have that ability. The thing is, I believe, we all have this ability, we just have to be open to seeing something other than the Hollywood view.

My first encounter with spirituality was more religiously based. I was baptized and raised Catholic. My mom was the good little Catholic girl, until she ended up pregnant with me at 17. That didn’t stop my grandparents from influencing us while living with them for many years. I even have the pictures to prove I’d gone through Communion. Such a sweet little girl in a white dress. However, I remember sitting through Sunday Mass with my grandparents thinking that this couldn’t be the only way to think. It felt very hypocritical to me, even as a little girl. I heard the sermons then saw the churchgoers living life a little differently. Once my mom married my step-dad we no longer attended church regularly so many of the beliefs I held were quickly replaced.

In college I took a World Religions course. We learned about Buddhism, Taoism, Confucianism, Catholicism, Christianity, and some others that I can’t even remember now. I felt like so much had been hidden from me throughout my life. The mind, body, spirit connection made so much sense to me. To honor and cherish that connection felt natural and organic to me, not forced like Catholicism. I felt like this is what my God was telling me was the truth. I began seeing religion as an ego-construct to separate us from each other. I began feeling the pull of my spirit toward spirituality rather than religion. Once I made that distinction magic started appearing in my life, but my eyes weren’t yet open to it.

So I graduated college and began my life. I eventually met my husband and we started our family. Despite doing everything I was supposed to do according to our society, I felt completely disconnected. Disconnected from my family, from my life, and mainly from myself. I lived with depression for so long that it became my “normal”. It’s what I had grown to know, to be comfortable with. Little did I know things were about to get shaken up and I was being hurled out of my comfort zone. In a matter of three years my entire world was flipped upside down and inside out. My husband became an addict, I lost my job as a paramedic, we lost our first home, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, then, to top it all off, a month after my diagnosis I lost my husband. I was being sent message after message and I couldn’t ignore them anymore.

That’s when I surrendered to whatever Higher Power was in place. I had no idea who or what that Higher Power was but I threw up the white flag anyway. That was the first time I knew a power greater than myself, a magical power, was in charge. That’s also when I started listening to the whispers I was hearing. Those whispers had become dull roars and I started listening to what they were telling me. I now know those whispers to be my own inner wisdom leading me along the path I was meant to walk. I’ve heard them throughout my life but ignored them, like most humans. I dismissed them as nonsense, because I was conditioned to listen to others, especially my elders.

Listening to those whispers was the first step in following my intuition. Now what I do when I hear those whispers is take a step back and become the observer. I observe what’s going on, what’s taking place in front of me. I ask myself a ton of questions. I tune in to how my physical body is feeling. If I’m feeling anxious or fearful I know I have some personal work to do. If I’m calm and peaceful, that’s my cue to take action, even if it’s imperfect action. Things still get scary, I’m human. But the more I connect with my higher self and the magic that exists in our Universe, the more I’m able to be led my my intuition and live the life I truly enjoy living. I ignored my intuition the first three and a half decades of my life and things didn’t go so well. I think it’s time to see where I can go if I actually take the time to listen and be guided by the magic that truly is.

With tons of love.

Imperfect action is better than no action

I’m sitting here “working” right now in my home office when I realize that I’m doing exactly what I set out to do a couple of years ago. I have a vision for my life that includes setting my own schedule so that I can be a present mom for my two little boys, working from the comfort of my own beautiful home, helping support people where they are in life, and finding the harmony in business and self-care. My life has many facets, but they are fitting together quite nicely. I’m surrounded by love everywhere I go and I’m finding inspiration that I thought would elude me. It’s kind of funny how you set an intention, put it out there, take some imperfect action, and what you receive is way more than you could have ever imagined.

I say imperfect action because even imperfect action is better than no action. I heard that from a colleague of mine and it hit me upside the head. That’s usually how inspiration happens for me. That’s also how I learn lessons. So how did I get to where I am? By taking little imperfect actions. Every. Single. Day. As easy as it is to get “stuck” in life, it’s just as easy to get “unstuck”. Take simple actions, imperfect actions, every single day. Those actions will add up over time. Still skeptical? Read the book The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson. I read that book earlier this year but began my upward climb out of depression before I even knew it existed.

When I read that book it all made sense as to how I got to where I am today. At first my imperfect action was to simply get out of bed. When you suffer from debilitating depression and anxiety getting out of bed is the hardest thing one can do. The amount of energy it takes to actually throw the warm cozy covers off of your body can be too much to bear. Some days I’d get up long enough to get my kids to school then I’d come home and crawl right back into my nest. And of course when you have three fur babies to keep you company it’s even easier. But I mustered enough strength to do it. I put my feet on the floor and away I went.

I started taking other actions too. Those whispers in my head kept telling me to do things differently than I had been. Instead of crawling back in bed, crawl onto the couch. Even if I was having a Netflix marathon (thank you inventor of Netflix) I wasn’t in bed sulking. I was out of my bedroom participating in something other than self-pity. Well, ok, the self-pity was still there but I had done something different. One baby step at a time, ok. Then one day I decided to read a book instead of watch TV. I had watched every episode of every show I had been interested in anyway so now it was time to do something different, again. Somewhere along the line I had made the unconscious choice to change my life which allowed me to start making more empowering conscious choices. Before I knew it, I was participating in life again. And look at me now, taking the world by storm.

The journey out of depression isn’t easy, but it can be done. Because I’m human I still beat myself up over certain things, but I’m much more inclined to listen to the voice that tells me to be gentle with my humanity. It takes practice, but by showing up every single day, progress is being made. After all, it’s about progress, not perfection.

With so much love!